What I meant to do

If you read my post about my 5th Kyu test you may recall that when I sat down at the end of it I thought “Darn it. That wasn’t how I meant to do that!” It felt mechanical, uncommitted. Sensei’s feedback was that it looked like I was “being careful.” That wasn’t how I meant to do my test, and yet… That’s exactly what I did. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that since Saturday.

Aikido provides a laboratory, in which to learn about who and how we are in many areas of life. Or maybe a mirror, in which we can see ourselves more clearly. Interactions can reflect how we are with authority, trust, risk, arrogance, and so on. We can learn what scares us, what makes us happy, where we shut down, or where we step up.

It often takes several days for a lesson to sink in, for me. I’ll remember a phrase or an expression, and the significance of it will come to me, finally. I suppose it’s similar to working out a problem, and a whole new way of looking at it pops into your head as you’re walking to get the mail.

I had such a moment this morning, out feeding Rainy and the donkeys. I was rushing because I was running late. I meant to clean the pen before a rainstorm arrived, but I didn’t have time. I was going to get up at 5:30, so I would have enough time, but I hit snooze until after 6:00. I planned to get to bed early, but didn’t. I had intended to get to work on time, by 8:00, but I was late… again.

I had been thinking, since Saturday, about why I was being careful during my test, and at other times in Aikido, and in other areas. That’s still a valid question, worth exploring.

But another one that didn’t come to me until this morning is this: Why do I intend to do one thing, and then do another? All. The. Time.

It’s a good question; one I will ponder as I brush my teeth and get to bed, late, again.