A Little More Freedom

There is class on Monday (day 4 of 16), but because of a prior commitment I won’t be there. So no training notes for day 4. It’s the only day I’ll be missing class.

Instead, I offer this, about my recent experience of trying to write a little information about my background:

Leaving Some Things Behind

I started to explain who I
Have been throughout the years

Justify my limitations
Perhaps excuse my fears

The stories told of loss and pain
And how life wasn’t fair

Like dirty water to a fish
The stories were just there

But the more I wrote
The more it seemed
Those stories weren’t mine

They’d lost their hold
And left me free 
My own life to define

By Linda Eskin

I know, intellectually, that we need not be defined by our pasts. We can start now, where we are, and create our own futures anew. I had known that, but still felt ensnared by a litany of Perfectly Good Reasons for being who I was. They were some really solid reasons, too.

But when I sat down recently to list these things they suddenly seemed insignificant, powerless, and pointless. Not like something I should try to ignore, and move ahead in spite of, but truly meaningless, at a gut level. It felt ridiculous even to be writing them down, and so I stopped.

I’m sure there will be times when stories from my past will seem more present and real than they do right now. But I won’t forget this.