2012 has been a year for taking a new direction. I turned 50, which is, even for an optimist, “halfway there.” I almost certainly have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I’ve developed an increasing intolerance for the idea of “getting around to it someday,” and have been taking decisive action on many fronts. Years aside, I have more life ahead of me than behind. I have more choices, more resources, more opportunities, and more freedom – all the space in the world for experiencing, creating, and enjoying.

I’ve been letting go of lots of things – letting go of my identification with them – horse things, books, musical instruments. I’m selling a few things, and giving other things away, which is far more fun. I just took down my very outdated 180+ page personal website (www.LindaEskin.com) and replaced it with much simpler page leading to some of my other sites, including this one. I’m cleaning up physical spaces, decluttering my environment and my mind, making room and time for things that matter.

I’ve decided I’m going to be a writer when I grow up. More accurately, I finally noticed that I am a writer, and started acting in accordance with that. At the end of summer I stopped working full-time in user experience, and instead am focusing most of my energies on writing professionally. I started out with the goal of writing two books – a quick, short one just for fun, to learn how the process works, and one about my experience of Aikido. What I’m finding as I get deeper into it is that there will likely be a small collection of books. In addition to writing consistently, I’ve been learning about writing tools (hooray for Scrivener!), book formats, and publishing options. I’m participating in The Merry Inksters, a support and coaching group for writers. That’s been both very helpful and a lot of fun. I launched my own publishing company (with no products yet!), Shugyo Press, named for the ongoing, daily, transformative practice that Aikido is for me. I’m planning to have my first book out in a few months.

I’ve been training right along, including helping in kids’ classes, and even teaching a few sessions when Sensei was away (look for “The Mirror” column about that experience, coming soon on AikiWeb). I was lucky to be able to travel to some seminars, and participate in even more at our dojo. I am scheduled to test for 1st kyu in March, so now I’m preparing for that. 2012 brought many fresh insights, and a lot of new or deepening friendships. I’m grateful for every moment on the mat, and delighted to still wake up excited about training. My wish for everyone is that they can find the same thing in their own lives – something to be grateful for every moment, and to wake up excited to be doing. Maybe for you it’s music, gardening, painting, research, or teaching. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, it’s worth it.

2012 been a very rewarding year, and I’m looking forward to the adventure that 2013 will certainly be.

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Related to this, a friend from the dojo just shared an article on Facebook:
How to Avoid Work: A 1949 Guide to Doing What You Love

Excerpts from a career guidance book from 1949, about finding and following your calling. Well worth reading.

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These weapons are my 3rd kyu / 49th birthday gift to myself. They are from Kingfisher, where you have the option of having them inscribed with any of a zillion words or phrases. I can’t read them, but I hope the bokken, at the top, says spiritual forging, a primary focus in training. The tanto, at the bottom, says kindness, grace, or mercy, a reminder for dealing with attacks of all kinds. The jo, in the middle, says a dream that comes true, which is what Aikido is, for me.

p.s. The jo, the one in the middle, is upside down! Lucky for me Michael just gave me the book “Easy Kanji” for a birthday present. :-) 

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Facing a Shut Gate

Large-Closed-Gates-Empire-Mine

Sensei has announced that there will be an uchi-deshi program at our dojo, beginning in mid-summer [this was in 2011]. You can contact him for details (via the Aikido of San Diego website) if you are interested in participating.

It looks to me like a rare and valuable opportunity to train intensively, deepen one’s understanding of Aikido, learn to teach, test one’s own limits, and discover new possibilities, all under the guidance of a truly gifted teacher.

It also looks to me like a right of passage. Forging, like seeing combat, for a future military officer. A gateway. How one moves from casual student to serious practitioner.

Right now I’m not in a place to walk through that gateway. I don’t know if I ever will be. I hope, maybe, somehow, someday… There’s a little fear and frustration about that. What if I’m not able? What if it’s not there? A sense of loss. And there’s reminding myself that upset from thwarted intention just points to a commitment.

It’s OK, though. There are cracks to peek through, high places where one can see over, and a lot of space to explore on this side of the wall. For now.

[Added the next day…] And now I’m seeing that there is more than one gate. Not feeling so stuck on this side. :-)

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